Where Words Fail, Music Begins

You see, I had my heart broken over the last 10 months. It’s been a perpetual breaking of a heart, meaning it wasn’t all at once, but in waves, and chapters. I feel like I’ve experienced the most profound human experience of all. More than the love it was itself. I’ve always thought of myself as a positive, light-hearted, dancing on the clouds person. But when this happened, everything changed. Like a switch went off, or on, depending on how you look at it. I’m still recovering, like a drug addict. Training my brain, training my thoughts, training my emotions, my body. Everything is different now.

The song below struck a powerful chord in me the first time I read the lyrics and listened. This level of intensity is how I felt. This is how I still feel. Recovering from the force that became a part of me. There were times I felt disfigured. I didn’t recognize who I was, where I was, or how I was getting out. I felt trapped, like everyone was on the outside looking in while I stood there mute, unable to run like in all my childhood nightmares. No one could help me feel better. I couldn’t make my feet run if I tried. Sometimes I still do feel that way. The depth came, and it will be there within me forever. That’s how I feel now, ten months later even.

The irony is I will open myself again. I will open myself up again to try to get closer. I’ve always been determined, forward-thinking; never a quitter. My human heart is wild and steaming just like the song. Every day it is. But in every corner of my mind is unrelenting, shimmering fear. Fear that I will always feel like something is missing. I am starving to get to the root of what broke me, and move on with a child-like free heart again. “I’m not a broken thing,” I plead. It often feels as though I’m only free when I avoid my default settings and forget. But I can’t live like that. “My heart is gold, my feet are light.”

I always loved the quote that said, “if you can’t live longer, live deeper.” Live right here in this moment with depth, because the moment 10 minutes ago and 10 minutes from now don’t actually exist. They are illusions, and so is the fear that comes with it. That perspective has been my only real, lasting comfort. Knowing that I loved someone with every corner of my heart and then some cannot be taken lightly. Feeling the spectrum of emotion, sadness, darkness, was a tremendous gift for this girl in rose-colored glasses. It may have been the greatest gift I’ve ever received; to know the illusive forces of love, to be so grateful to have ever had its face up to mine.

 

Song For Zula

Some say love is a burning thing
That it makes a fiery ring
Oh but I know love as a fading thing
Just as fickle as a feather in a stream
See, honey, I saw love. You see, it came to me
It put its face up to my face so I could see
Yeah then I saw love disfigure me
Into something I am not recognizing

See, the cage, it called. I said, “Come on in”
I will not open myself up this way again
Nor lay my face to the soil, nor my teeth to the sand
I will not lay like this for days now upon end
You will not see me fall, nor see me struggle to stand
To be acknowledge by some touch from his gnarled hands
You see, the cage, it called. I said, “Come on in”
I will not open myself up this way again

You see, the moon is bright in that treetop night
I see the shadows that we cast in the cold, clean light
My feet are gold. My heart is white
And we race out on the desert plains all night
See, honey, I am not some broken thing
I do not lay here in the dark waiting for thee
No my heart is gold. My feet are light
And I am racing out on the desert plains all night

So some say love is a burning thing
That it makes a fiery ring
Oh but I know love as a caging thing
Just a killer come to call from some awful dream
O and all you folks, you come to see
You just stand there in the glass looking at me
But my heart is wild. And my bones are steam
And I could kill you with my bare hands if I was free

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1 Comment

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One response to “Where Words Fail, Music Begins

  1. Little Locks

    If anyone can get their feet moving again, it’s you. Love you, Jenny.

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